


You're My Favourite Memory

by lauz



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers Feels, Bucky plays the piano, Cuddling, Flashbacks, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, Teddy Wilson, lots of crying from Steve, piano playing, steve loves bucky, this has been in my WIP folder since 2014
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-25 12:50:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18261644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lauz/pseuds/lauz
Summary: Bucky has bad days and when they hit, they hit hard. He doesn't eat, sleep or talk. Instead he plays piano or swims for hours on end, the same laps over and over. Steve likes to spend the time with Bucky when he's having a bad day, from a distance of course. He likes watching Bucky swim from the back row of bleachers of the pool inside SHIELD HQ (it's as close as he can get to large bodies of water without wanting to knock everyone out in a four block radius, don't judge him okay?). Steve also likes watching Bucky play piano from a chair in the back of the room, his cybernetic fingers clunky and brash on the keys. Bucky always swears under his breath at the beginning of a song, his metal fingers can't quite be as delicate on the keys as he'd like.





	You're My Favourite Memory

Bucky has bad days and when they hit, they hit hard. He doesn't eat, sleep or talk. Instead he plays piano or swims for hours on end, the same laps over and over. Steve likes to spend the time with Bucky when he's having a bad day, from a distance of course. He likes watching Bucky swim from the back row of bleachers of the pool inside SHIELD HQ (it's as close as he can get to large bodies of water without wanting to knock everyone out in a four block radius, don't judge him okay?). Steve also likes watching Bucky play piano from a chair in the back of the room, his cybernetic fingers clunky and brash on the keys. Bucky always swears under his breath at the beginning of a song, his metal fingers can't quite be as delicate on the keys as he'd like. 

This goes on for another five months and six days - not that Steve's counting, until during one of Bucky's bad days he invites Steve to sit next to him. Bucky pats the piano bench, his eyes sad. Steve moves toward him slowly in case Bucky changes his mind. He doesn't and Steve's far too relieved as he sits down, hands sitting awkwardly in his lap. He waits like he always does because it's Bucky and he needs time and patience.

"Remembered that this is m'favorite," Bucky's voice is hoarse, he hasn't spoken in three days according to his psychiatrist. 

And then Bucky starts to play  You're My Favorite Memory by Teddy Wilson, Steve has to bite into his bottom lip, drawing blood to stop it from trembling. 

When they were younger, Bucky would hum the tune to Steve when he was sick or scared or just because he could. 

Steve can feel Bucky's gaze on him as he plays, he smirks his infamous smirk that had all the broads at home falling over him. Steve wants to pull him in and hug him, never letting him go as he cries into Bucky’s shoulder like he used to.

He realises he hasn't hugged him in decades, the thought crashes over him in a tsunami wave of mixed emotions.

"D'ya remember when you were sick with the flu in thirty nine? I thought you were gonna leave me that Christmas," Bucky says quietly breaking him from his selfish thoughts, a small nostalgic upturn toying at his lips.

"Yeah - Yeah, I do Bu - James." Steve was told he was strictly to call Bucky by his real name to aid his recovery, he doesn't remember the last time he called him James. "Always made me feel better, you hummin' those tunes to me, even better when you played on a piano." 

"I miss it, ya know?" Bucky sighs, "When I get out of this joint, we're goin' to see the Dodgers. We'll take a road trip or Stark's fancy jet." 

"You remember the Dodgers?" Steve clears his throat, still fighting back tears.

"You never shut up about them, kid." Bucky snorts, covering Steve's shaking hand in his own.

Steve lets his guard down laughing as the tears fall, his head's bowed. Bucky places his cybernetic arm around Steve, a metal finger trying to soothe him with small cold circles on his neck.

He chokes down the feeling that he could crush his windpipe before even the great Captain America knew what was happening, but that's not who he is anymore. He's getting better and most of all it's Steve, his Steve. 

Bucky let's Steve have his moment against his chest, he just rubs up and down his back. He's still awkward with emotions, doesn't really know how to get a handle on them or what to do with other people's.

Steve stays with Bucky that night because Bucky asks him too and the little punk always gets what he wants in the end, they play poker, Steve reads to him and he sleeps in Bucky's bed. With Bucky. Curled up around him, his legs tangled with Steve's and head on his chest in nothing but their boxers. Steve presses a protective kiss on his forehead before squeezing him tighter.

If Bucky asks him why tomorrow morning then he’ll just say he was in a sleepy haze.

And when they do wake up on their sides, Steve clutching him as close to him as possible breathing evenly onto his neck, scared that if he lets go he will be taken from him again. Their fingers laced together and Bucky tells him it’s the best he’s felt in a long, long time.

Bucky gets cleared for active duty and deemed stable enough to re-enter society a year and nine months after that night, it had taken him a while to adjust. He had an episode and nearly killed a new agent one day they walked into his room unannounced, he had him pinned to his bedroom door with his cybernetic arm until he passed out. It was then he realised what he was doing and dropped him, immediately going to find someone to help.

This back tracked his release and recovery process by five months, it took his toll on Bucky and Steve didn’t know if he was going to bounce back. But he did eventually; it made Steve come to terms with the fact he’s not the same tough kid from Brooklyn from before the war.

Bucky will never be that again, Steve can’t help be hopeful when he gives as good as he gets when he returns Tony’s teases while he’s tinkering with a new gadget for his arm, or when he and Nat have a spar off and she ends up with Bucky’s head in a head lock between her thighs, he always smiles so big after the light returns to his almost lifeless eyes.

Steve moves Bucky into his apartment; it was cosy and not too much for them both. It reminds him of when they lived together, another life compared to now. 

It technically is but it’s nice to be living with his best friend again after all that time.

They both get home quite late the night Bucky is “discharged”, Steve thought all the paperwork was totally unnecessary on Fury’s part. 

The first thing Bucky does when he gets through the door is ask where his bedroom is. Steve shows him to his room and leaves Bucky curled up in the middle of his bed in a fortress of extra comforters and pillows, heading to bed himself.

There’s shouting ringing through the apartment and it pulls Steve from a deep sleep, he gets up quickly, waiting to hear any other noises. He hears soft crying from Bucky’s room, he doesn’t waste much time and goes straight into his room without knocking. He knows he shouldn’t, it’s against all the protocol Bucky’s psychiatrist put in place but he can’t help it, he’s terrified Bucky might hurt himself. 

Steve can just faintly make out Bucky’s form quivering under the covers, only because of the light streaming in from the hallway, he tries his best to skip over the fact Bucky looks tiny like this.

“No – no, please…” Bucky whimpers moving around in the covers, “Not Steve - please leave him alone… please…” 

“Buck – Buck, it’s me… It’s Steve.” Steve says as calmly as he can manage, he approaches the bed and sitting back on his heels by the edge of the bed, biting his bottom lip. 

Fuck. This is worse than he thought. Steve sits back on his heels by the edge of the bed, biting his bottom lip. 

Bucky’s psychiatrist, Jennifer, told him that there would be frequent nightmares and to be prepared for the worst when he wakes up, he’s often confused – forgetting where and who he is.

“Steve – Steve get out of here, s’not safe - s’not safe for you…” Bucky quivers, voice slurred and dripping in fear, “Don’t, leave me behind, not safe - s’not safe here… I’ll be fine.” 

“It’s a dream Buck, you’re safe and I’m safe.” Steve whispered reaching for him under the covers; he jumps back as Steve grazes his arm, beginning to sob harder than before.

“S’just you and me, n’ no one else.” Steve tries to reassure him, his eyes are stinging with tears but he swallows them back down, replacing them with blood from his bottom lip, “I promise, Buck.”

Bucky doesn’t reply he’s still trembling all over, panting through sobs, Steve’s waits and bites back the temptation to shake Bucky awake, to assure him for real that there’s nothing to be afraid of. Not anymore. He waits though, for any signs of his friend waking up. It’s in the darkness he works up the courage to whisper brokenly to his friend,

"Buck - please believe me. It's just us, you and me." Steve's voice cracks as he desperately reaches for Bucky's hand again, “Til the end of the line.”

This time Bucky slowly emerges from the pile of comforters with open red eyes, he's still shaken but he's finally conscious of his surroundings. Steve lets out a sigh of relief and drops his forehead against the mattress edge, Bucky's fingers go straight to the baby hairs at the base of his neck, it’s always been so soothing. 

Steve takes a few calming deep breaths, trying to recenter himself.  

It’s something Bucky had always done for Steve when they were kids, mainly during one of his asthma attacks. It calmed him down to the point of sleeping; Steve wants to cry that Bucky remembers how much it helped. 

"M'sorry for causin' a fuss, I deserve this anyway, after everythin’." Bucky says, Steve knows he’s tearing up and that he feels ashamed, his head shoots up and his hand grabs Bucky's wrist.  

"Look at me," Steve demands into the darkness, it doesn’t come out as gentle as he'd hoped, "You don't need to be sorry, not for anythin', okay? That wasn’t your fault; you deserve better Buck, so much better. That wasn’t you. That was Hydra." 

Steve can just see his head nodding but he’s positive Bucky’s just humouring him, “I love ya, ya little punk. I always have and I always will, no matter what. You’re m’best friend.” 

“You’re sucha soppy jerk,” Bucky splutters out an awkward laugh, gently shoving his shoulder, “Will you stay with me? I don’t wanna be alone.” 

Steve just nods.

Once he’s put out the lights he pulls Bucky into his chest and tucking him tightly under his chin, running his fingers so, so light and soft up and down Bucky’s bare back.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Steve wakes up long before Bucky but that’s okay because it’s Bucky and he needs to recover from last night, Steve just spends the time drawing on his skin with soft brushes from the pads on his fingers. Bucky’s skin is soft, it feels nice against his own. Steve wants desperately to feels what it’s like slicked with sweat, rubbing against his own skin, pressed hotly into the mattress as Steve fucks into him - 

“Stop that.” Steve thinks cutting himself off, “That’s your best friend and he needs you right now.” 

They’d done it once before.

Just the once, at the beginning of the end. The night before the train and the fall, somehow they ended up stumbling into bed together in the barracks, as if the universe was telling them it was their last chance. Steve remembered everything, how Bucky smelled like cigarettes and tasted like the too expensive liquor Howard had insisted on drinking with the Commando’s and Peggy. How Bucky had fallen apart so easily and so quickly to Steve’s touch, surrendering himself to the wet heat of his mouth. 

He remembered all the little mewls and moans of encouragement Bucky had let fall from his mouth so freely before he spilled between them, Steve had allowed himself get caught up in the moment. Rutting against Bucky’s pulsing cock, he didn’t last very long. 

Steve always had that memory, even if he didn’t have Bucky and for that he was thankful.

His fingers end up at the marred, raised scar tissue on Bucky’s arm; it turns Steve’s stomach, making him want to throw up. Don’t get him wrong, he doesn’t mind the fact Bucky has a cybernetic arm. But it’s how he came to have it, the suffering he went through. That’s what turns his stomach more than anything; he presses a firm kiss to where skin meets metal for good measure and pretends he doesn’t feel Bucky shiver.

“I know you’re awake Buck,” Steve says after a few moments, running a warm hand down his arm.

“Shhh, unless you’re askin’ what I want for breakfast,” Bucky murmurs against the arm under his head, his warm breath makes Steve’s stomach flutter with butterflies.

“Bacon and eggs I’m guessing?” Steve smirks, nose brushing against his friend’s bare shoulder blade.

“I like ‘em scrambled now Stevie,” Steve can feel the lazy smile on Bucky’s lips.

Steve likes to think that if he and Bucky were together he would have sucked Bucky off nice and slow before making breakfast, make him feel real good and sated for the rest of the day. Especially after last night and the fact he desperately, desperately wants to feel Bucky like that in his mouth again for his own selfish reasons. He knows this isn’t exactly how he should be thinking of his best friend right now, given the circumstances but he can’t help it, his feelings haven’t changed. 

It takes him by surprise when Bucky wraps his arms around Steve’s bare waist; he almost drops the pot of scrambled egg he’s plating up, Bucky squeezes him tighter before taking a seat at their small, round dining table.

They eat how they slept, in only their boxers; Steve could laugh and cry at how easy it is to slip back into their old routine already. It reminds him of before the war, when they lived together, everything was easier and the only thing that mattered was that they were okay.

Before Bucky goes for a shower Steve pulls him in for a tight hug, just because he can and it’s wonderful. Steve whispers in his ear softly biting back tears, “It’s great to have you back, Buck.” 

"Good t'be back, Steve." Bucky smiles back gently, "So what we doin' today?" 

"Hmm, I'm not sure. Anythin' you want to do or see?" Steve asks, sipping on a mug of coffee.  

"D'ya think we could maybe go see Stark?" Bucky asks softly, "I'd like to ask him about my arm, y'know." 

Steve nods, "'Course Buck, anythin' you want." 

Bucky gives a small smile before heading through to the shower.

**Author's Note:**

> First time posting any Starbucks, I really loved this. I wrote most of it back in 2014. I'm trying to get into the swing of writing again.
> 
> Should I continue it on or what? 
> 
> If so what would you like to see next?
> 
> Thank you!


End file.
